Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
