I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
