I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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