So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
