im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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