Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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