I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
