So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
