my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
