i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
