the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
