Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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