he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize