I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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