Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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