**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it's great music for shaving your balls
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
