Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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