Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
