I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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