So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It's blow job season.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
