She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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