I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
