Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Couch. On fire.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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