I wish life had little blips of pornography
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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