My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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