i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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