I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
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I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
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Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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