I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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