My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
