I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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