need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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