i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
