Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
