Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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