I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
