Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
