i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
