I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
