I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
