I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
