I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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