the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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