My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
This baby is an asshole
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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