My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
