I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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