the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
