A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
