ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
