Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
