i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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