A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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