Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
