Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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