Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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