all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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