i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
