Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
