when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
